No time to burn bridges

I want to tell you that you I cannot take your advice and write my parents off yet. I am going to keep making my amends, until that process is done and I have had enough.

My mom's stupid personality is not going to make me cut off my nose to spite my face. I am going to be who I know myself to be.

Writing her off right now FEELS to me like spiteworking. Because it would have a painful boomerang effect for ME. With regret for things unsaid. I know that about myself from having experienced the three deaths in my life of people close to me. My grandmother (mom's mom, who thankfully I had visited and connected meaningfully with as an adult, so few regrets). My cousin, who died in her sleep ( I had made a point of talking with each other right after 9/11, and she died a few months after)...my uncle Wally, whom I did not communicate with as frequently as I know now was really necessary for me to do. I needed to have closing communications with him.

Then there was my friend Maia, who I had emailed the day she died. She and I had needed to talk more often and I had NOT done my full part in hearing her voice and calling her.

You do know that calling my mom regularly is a recent decision? Mostly I am renewing my efforts so that I can learn what I need to about my mom, her karma, and my dad. Those are important to MY story.

My mom's younger brother, Wally, told me he never called my mom. He let his sister call him. The conversations went better that way. He knew I needed to know it was OK not to call my mom, even to be a good daughter. For many years, I honored my uncle Wally.

I followed his example, and found a lot of peace. I have learned a lot over the past 17 years of practicing this principle: Don't call mom, let her call me. I have conscientiously followed his advice, with a few well-considered exceptions, all these years (Father's Day, Mother's Day and my dad's birthday as some exceptions) but now that Wally is gone I have had to change my mind. Uncle Wally's kind edict no longer applies. What if, while I am waiting, she up and dies? I can't hear from her then, and I will have regrets at what is unsaid.

When my uncle died two years ago, he revealed his own unhealed elements, so sadly similar to my mom's. My contract with him, is over. He is in the other world, and his life is an example to me of what happens when people wait for others to call them. Get this. His idea was to keep his dying a secret from me.

I think the fact that I took his advice created other problems in the way I relate to my parents.... that need some work now.

Waiting for my mom to call and taking that chance that I will not get to talk to my dad, before I get the sudden news that my dad has died, or waiting for my dad to give me news, is too hard on ME.

You see, my mother's story is important to me, and so is my dad's. If it is important to me, then I need to do something about it, no matter how inane it seems to others. So my mother DOES say crap, that is hurtful. I call her on it and I am off the phone before she can do it again. Unless I have a particular point to make, and then I put her on speakerphone and wait for my chance to say it. . These days, if it is SHE who hangs up the phone on ME, cause she can't stand what I am saying in my radical and kind honesty, well, I consider the click of the phone in my ear, a VICTORY. Of course, there is pain in war. I feel it, but I am a victor, because I am finding out more and more that I don't need her approval anymore. I don't even need her good response in order to heal. Guess what? When she calls me back to apologize for her behavior, it almost does nothing for me. It only lets me know that I am doing the right thing. Her apology no longer brings me false hope. Her apology tells me to continue on, lancing boils and doing surgery.

It matters not one iota if she thinks she has me hooked into communicating with her. I KNOW what my intentions are in the conversations. When I am ready to back off of this effort and finally throw in the towel, I won't need to look back, because I have done everything possible. I want my dad to hear the truth from my lips, and I know my HP is guiding me towards that.

In conversation last week (initiated by her) I did not fight back when mom tried to guilt trip me about how bad a daughter I am, and how I treated my parents like crap as a teenager (implying of course that my dad doesn't WANT to talk to me...). In the spirit of a true warrior I pick my battles and keep my strengths hidden. Instead, I change the whole game when I said, "The phone works both ways, dad can pick up the phone to call me, as easily as I can call him." She got snide with me, struggling again to make me look like the bad guy. I just went about my kitchen work with her on the cutting board. It was all just stupid posing. I didn't even have to get mad at her. More story material for me. Her cards are all marked to me.

Dad heard the truth yesterday. Just relaxing into the moment (hearing my mom feeding stuff in my dad's ear) I seized the short time alloted to me on the phone, knowing he had me on the phone alone (a person using their mouth like she was, has no ears to hear a conversation, even if she is eavesdropping). I told my dad he had three letters coming to him at his mailbox. (In this way, he would know that I do send mail to him, even if he does not receive these letters). I asked him what he can do at his end to make a real conversation between us possible. I said, knowing I was putting him on the spot but also knowing he had it coming. "What can you do, dad? because I am powerless and I love you."

Now, if I don't receive an answer to THAT question, with actions that follow..... in the next six month-- I will do my next best and write these folks off with as much love as my HP can infuse in my heart.

I have made a commitment to myself and my HP that I will do my best.

I am grateful that you cared enough to write. I want you to know that your words, telling me to stop contact with my parents are also from my HP, and they will definitely help me in my decision, when it comes time to turn it ALL over to my HP. You are correct, I believe. The time is close.