It is a time of awakening for me.
I'd not realized until about six months ago that mom (nada) was painting me a black sheep in my family.
Now I seem to be fully black, and it was done behind my back, without me able to defend myself.
Oh well, I am going to go on growing and knowing I am just fine, because I am bursting to become who I was mean to be. I just need more room!
I have become aware that I need to be transparent about setting boundaries, and creating room to be fully me. I need to point out where I begin and end, openly and consciously. In the past I have pulled myself in, like a folded umbrella, so as not to take up too much room, and be taunted.
I thought "being a good daughter" meant that I "just had to put up" with some treatments. Be tough. Laugh them off, etc. But by doing that, I was condoning the behavior. And when I got angry, then she would act as if I were the mean person and not her. And I have learned to speak up, hang up, and let go of my anger, in order to be kind, and to avoid being blamed for our conflicts.
OK, how do you not have conflict with a Sherman tank?
Last night my mom called me to thank me for a phone call I had made to wish my dad a Happy Birthday. She was a great tank and she was not going to give me access to my dad on his birthday. Instead she used the conversation for her own peculiar end.
What were her goals? Conflicted at best.
I opened the conversation to something normal, by sharing that I was at work on a writing deadline, a piece on an herb, for a national magazine. One it turns out she had never heard of. That was fine. Did I say something that made her feel "less than"? Was that why she suddenly told me, and I could feel her tongue saucy between her lips, " that I was not smart enough or "deep" enough to be an authority on herbs for the article I am working on now. All I had said to evoke that remark, was that I cannot rely on my own knowledge for my articles. Just like any other journalist, I need sources. I cut that one short with dignity and said, "the issue is not one of depth or intelligence, it is that I am not an expert."
On one hand, I could have let my mom's own stupid commentary go, but as I say this is a time to be awake.. and to set boundaries about how I see myself and to redirect the tank. Speaking up gave me time to really see how much fun she thinks it is to put me down! And how she takes any admission of humility as an opportunity to one-up me. Weird stuff to do to a daughter.
Here I have to say this: the conversation was ostensibly one in which I thought we were looking to make up, make peace from one that was downright nasty earlier this week, in which she turned on me, from being funny to being angry and hanging up the phone.
Somehow, in this conversation I got called Zeenie, Weenie... too. That happened because she had something in my name, that really I should never have given her. She is not entitled to use a membership card I paid for; it has my name on it. So she decided to play with my name. "I use your card, it says Zeenie.... on it..." And she waited while I said nothing and just listened. Then added,, "Zeenie Weenie.."
There are no folks in my life that call me by a "nickname" or "pet name", except those whom I invite to call me "Z". As mom, again she feels like she has rights to "belittle" me, even to call me a name she knows I do not like. It is fun, for her. And I know better than to let her know it gives me a rise.
Jeepers this is creepy. A mom treating her daughter like this? And I am basically a good person!
But wait.... now I see why the conversation went to the end it did. Yesterday the ending did not seem logical.
Now I see that when she mentioned she had been going through my old school papers.....I had an ah-ha moment. She has been painting me black because she has been traveling down memory lane, and old data has become fresh in her mind. She thinks it is reality now.
My dear mom has been going through old papers from childhood. Report cards where teachers from elementary school commented about my behavior.
Teachers from over 40 years ago....had commented that I did not respect the rights of others. My mom had brought this up, to judge ME, not to learn anything about herself. She'd found "evidence" she could hardly wait to use against me. "You've always been this way," she was saying. And she was using this as evidence against me in the current day, ready to tell me that the way I was treating her fit right in line with what she (and others) had always known about me. She was innocent of any wrongdoing, because I was not respecting her rights... now, I guess.
I was not going to stay put for this tenderizing from the treads of an insensitive and overriding tank.
I am a person who puts great credo on my ability to change and adapt. I was being held captive to childhood mistakes. Why?
I asked her as kindly as I could what her intent was. Whatever she said next, I can't remember. It was just too preposterous to listen to one more word. I could no longer stay on the phone.
Turn the other cheek? No, toss the phone! It flew across the room and landed face down on the carpet. Thankfully it turned itself off, before my husband voiced his own anger and said, "Tell her to go to he@@". He is normally very civil and kind---but just won't put up with crap. As for me, I cannot adapt to things said about me that are false.
Only after the phone was back in the cradle and I was recovering from my having my sanity violated.... did I wonder this: Would my being raised by someone that was belittling and controlling and who did not know boundaries HERSELF AND who had rules that she did not enforce consistently.....result in my exhibiting boundary problems in school?
Possibly. But blame is not my game. Understanding is my goal.
