Step One and Swiss Cheese (at the end)

I woke up not wanting to get out of bed. Now it may be because I was having an Inner Critic attack last night and I am learning that the only one who can get me out of it is me. That awareness right there is daunting. But before I can ward off the pain my Inner Critic visits on me, I need to be aware of it.

Oh I am powerless today. As in every day, but today I am especially aware of it.

When I begin with an admission of powerless, I take ahold of my real power, which is awareness. The Inner Critic is the one who thinks they are in Control of my emotions! Whoa! My first bit of power is in telling it gently, that It is not. I am not the God of Emotions either, so there's no more need for a power struggle between me and my Inner Critic. Amazing.

This bit of awareness of step one, means I have some wiggle room and I might enjoy a few moments of peace today.

But I am going to need my HP for awareness. I am going to need my HP to help me turn over my imperfection. With my HP's guidance, I can be aware and detach with Love, from each of my Inner Critic's thoughts. If I don't always detach from the Inner Critic with Love, HP will not judge me. I can also write down my Inner Critic's thoughts as it is practical. Catching ALL of them is not an indicator of greater success. Doing it for this one day is enough. Catching a few comments from the IC will make the difference I need, for this one day only.

The rest of this is process and a few gratitudes, and can be ignored. I found out from doing this exercise that my most important paragraphs (which at first came at the end) were best shared first, because they are the result of the process I share below!

Thanks for letting me share!

PROCESS

I am grateful because I had made a commitment to record my negative thoughts for a day. In my overcompensating way, I decided if I did this exercise, I had to do it for three days to get it "right", or get full benefit. Sigh. What a shitty exercise, but you need shit to make compost !

Well, I lost track of my three days and stopped recording after my husband got home, so my Inner Critic seems to have gone in for the kill. It doesn't really want me aware. It just wants to get me fixed in the only way it knows how, by pointing out all that is wrong. Of course, how helpful of it.

I am grateful for any awareness of the IC and one spark of humor. It took a lot of work last night for me to realize ALL that was happening was an Inner Critic attack. All through the baseball gam here is how he/she/it was allowed to talk to me: Oh, you weren't here last time, so you aren't a good parent; oh so-and-so is not here, it must be because they are avoiding YOU, Oh Jack's mom is volunteering at the concession stand; why aren't YOU there and look at you, just sitting here --Oh you want to work on an article while you are in the stands? Your husband is score-keeper and you could be helping there... Your article is going to be rejected even if you do that major rewrite, better give up now while you are ahead of that editor who likely doesn't even know what she wants. Aw heck, how can you win on this piece when the real editor at the magazine has not been hired yet?" And on and on and on .

I cried last night on the way to the restaurant after dinner, feeling undeserving of a nice meal out with my family. After all, what had I been doing since about 2 yesterday afternoon but having an Inner Critic attack? What a loser was. What bad company! Well, for once, I did not drag anyone else into helping me feel better. I just ate and listened and talked about the baseball game. My Inner Critic felt a little odd, like no one was addressing it or including it in the conversation! IC was odd man out. (Boy am I grateful for what I have learned in writing this paragraph! Another miracle from my HP!)

I am grateful to know the Inner Critic was created for a purpose. But. I am in charge now. Or will be once I become more fully aware of it, and begin to refute it and seek help in replacing its message with something else that is positive.

I don't need to refute every thought to get well. I only need the swiss cheese approach. A hole in its logic here, and hole in its logic there. Grateful for the friend who first told me about the swiss cheese approach. I hate swiss cheese, but for today I am very grateful that it exists cause without it my friend would not have had a verbal picture to share that would stick so well with me.

Accepting vs persevering

Accepting the things I cannot change. It begins by recognizing when I cannot change something or someone.

Others might tell me that I am getting the same old thing from my mom, and should give up. But even when the embers seem dead, something breaths life into my fire to persevere and be the daughter I want to be. And to hope that God's blessing will provide fuel for the right size campfire, for my mom and I to tell stories around. I've had those moments with mom. That I persevere in answering phone calls from mom (when it feels healthy to do so), shows you that intermittent reinforcement really does work!

On the positive side, the work with mom helps me to see where I need to do my homework in other areas. Showing up to carry a conversation frequently gives me a new growing edge. Or sheds light on some bad thinking in another area of my life, that needs discernment and change.

Right now, nada and our communication is just another problem in the gnarl of my depression/anxiety. This too shall pass.

BUT. Lately, very lately, I am seeing that I am in a no-win situation with nada. It may be that NO amount of perseverance will help, and in fact, my perseverance may prevent nada from growing. A reasonable person could actually throw in the proverbial towel. One day I may be that reasonable person.

My perseverance was possible because I made long breaks between communications with nada, and allowed myself to play with different tools and concepts between "assignments". I even find that practicing my thoughts out loud helped me. I never use the words I say, but saying them aloud often allows me to improvise with confidence in the line of "fire" with mom.

These days I am too depressed and emotionally exhausted to show up and improvise with mom. HP, are you making me rest long enough so I can show up differently with mom-like people?

I sure hope so.

Loving Zena.