Beginning again, a year later

It's been a bit over a year since I last told story, making sense of my life.

Interestingly, my last entry was at Mother's Day. I have to say, this Mother's Day was more meaningful and more peaceful yet, than last year's.

I see even more healing today, although I had an unexpected relapse... another bout with the demon of sleeplessness... back in November.

I have become my own parent and let go of the hurts and expectations I have had in my relationship with my mother.

The catalyst for recognizing my growth has been another loss in my maternal family: my mother's remaining full-brother, who passed just last Wednesday. I missed seeing my uncle before he died. I chose to go north and spend a few days with his family anyways.

I am burning a candle for Uncle A, each day that I remember. A candle is probably the most visual way for me to connect with the spirit of a dear one who has departed. It is a powerful way of remembering and reflecting throughout the day....

I just blew the memory candle out, for today. I will relight it again tomorrow.

Mother's Day, A Sigh of Relief

It feels good to catch up here again.

Today was a good day as a mom. I enjoyed a reflective day, got exercise with my son and husband at the Y, had a good EA-step meeting (step four) and a wonderful dinner out at an Indian restaurant. Conversation with a favorite aunt was a great finish to a sun filled day.

For once I did not feel guilty for the joy I experienced or the money my family spent on me.

This is in sharp contrast to last year, when I had a hard time feeling worthy of any kind of celebration and I was distraught at getting a gift that my son loved that I could not appreciate. Having not yet made peace with the fact that I had grown up with a mom suffering from BPD, I felt alienated from my family of origin. I wasn't sure if I had it in me to leave a good legacy.

This Mother's Day feels so much more sane than last year's. In our community at this time in 2009, we had a killer on the run, who had shot three people in our town, including his wife. For weeks, I'd not been able to listen to the news or read the paper. It was an aunt from another state who told me (on Mother's Day) that the murderer's body had finally been found a few miles from our home. That man was likely a narcissist and a sociopath. He was also unfortunately the father of a sweet girl in my son's class at school, which made it even more personal.

Tonight I can say a hopeful prayer that the children have been woven into their life in a bigger city where they live with an aunt and uncle. I pray that love heals, and that they have more than enough love to flourish.

I hope that if your day has been planned around being a mom, honoring one, or making peace with one, that it was a satisfying endeavor.

Look Back over 2009

Just a few words of reflection over a year gone past.

I had two crises last year that I tried to grapple with: One back in April, the other in September. Both almost landed me on my butt, and reactivated old fears in a very big way.

I felt some shame and loss each time, because I did lose ground and I also wondered if I could really ever trust myself to stay well, if I was so vulnerable as to fall two times in one year.

My thoughts as I reflect back in today's sunshine, and the birds singing outside during my meditation (carolina wrens, chickadees, the cardinals..) are that the first fall was so dismaying because it took me so by surprise, because it was catalyzed by someone who should have been inconsequential: the man I encountered from Australia, who was likely a narcissist, and decided I had BPD! The man who really did not know me, but for what I had shared openly in my recovery group. I felt so vulnerable and yet no one understood why.

Now I realize why the fellow was so dangerous to me; not only was my discovery of my mom's personality disorder so fresh, but I still had my own fears that I might have borderline personality disorder. In addition, I see today that my personality type does not naturally protect me from folks that can be emotional vampires. It is a kind of miracle that I still have emotional sensitivity and over the years I have acquired a smart mouth that keeps me relatively safe. What made my encounter with this internet vampire so awful was that he knew more about me than I ever wanted to know about him! And the group I belong to does not encourage open resolution of conflict! So I had no way to use my smart mouth and drive the fellow away. And, members of the group felt compelled to help this fellow (who was a loudmouth and a bore with a need to be the center of attention) in his recovery. One of the trusted leaders effectively felt that it was our business to reach out to new people in need. Well, in theory I believe that, too. In practice, and in this particular case, I knew in my heart that helping this person would take our whole group down. And it almost made me quit our recovery forum.


Add to that an unremitting level of stress related to M's out of town trips, a murder-suicide in our town (the first of a wave of murder-suicides last year), and the fact that a child in my son's class was affected. Add again, the fact that I don't have good defenses and take on other's stories as if they could be my own... What a nose-dive I took!


In retrospect, I recovered relatively well. First, I am fortunate, I have a very compassionate and astute head-shrinker. Second, I let myself learn from this and made sure I reduced all the commitments in my life that I was not totally enthusiastic about. I let go of my evening meeting commitment for our local schools. Felt like a flake resigning as president, but also felt a lot truer to myself. The part of me that felt like a flake needed me to do some concerted work, validating, supporting, and loving myself. I did that work to the best of my ability, and I also educated my friends so each one had a place in supporting my choice.

Once this school year began, I had a "retreat" to look forward to, for the very recovery group I had almost resigned from back in April. The retreat was in the capital city of my state, which I rarely visit. The retreat was in the middle of September. In hindsight I went for many of the same reasons I chose NOT to be the president of the advisory board. I went to prove that I was competent, responsible and creative. And guess what? I learned I was all three, but ... I also got to feeling like I had over-achieved on one hand, and was too much in my ego, and not enough on helping folks in the recovery chapter I belong to in my own hometown. Catch-22's all over the place. Zena can win in one arena of her life, but totally "fails" in another.

And the retreat had consequences for me as a writer. I found that I got so many lessons from the retreat that I was having a hard time focusing on (and believing in my ability to complete) an article assignment that I had created! Add to that the fact that not one of my interviewees was emailing or calling me back, and my husband was on his own time constraints with a big work deadline. Add to my ambivalence, a family crisis, with our cat needing to be repaired surgically. I had to write my editor and renege on the assignment and this brought up again my feelings of being a failure.

Failure is big for me. Failing myself personally, in my recovery. Failing to meet my commitments of a writer. Those feelings get me to my core and I have no defenses. I suspect this year I will see more progress and will recognize Catch-22's a little earlier, and I might just give up turning the guns on MYSELF when I see that I am not pressing forward with my flags held high and strong.

2009 word count

Some 28,000 words are logged in my last year's blog. And that at an average of 3 posts a month. I would say this too is evidence of progress winning over perfection.

a new year, a new start, the twelve steps

I've learned, after many years of cycling through recovery, that it really does not matter the speed in which I "do" the steps. Nor does it matter how deeply I do them the first time. The point is to be willing to do them again and again and learn something new each time.

For the more I study a subject, and the more ways I cover the material, the better I learn it. But like everything else in program, perfection is not the goal, progress is. I don't need to stay on step one for a year to get it right! No, the program is very forgiving, and if I need to repeat any of it at any time, there is no shame.

As for me, I like to study using whatever I need at the time. Yes the steps come in order. Yes. That is wonderful. Yet, I also need to remind myself and my sponsees, this is not a program that "works" linearly. In the version of program called "Emotions Anonymous" we do not "control" our emotions-by the same token we can not "really" make our program work in fixed order!

It is wonderful to think of myself as being at the center of a circle, with the numbers 1-12 at different places on a clock face. From my center, I can easily step from 1-3 and then come back to know myself better.

Thank HP the program is one of paradox. (Look that word up, it is important.) We come to find peace with opposites here, and also with the fact that people utilize (and speak up about) different aspects of the program at different times in their growing. What you need for your program in your beginning stages may be what I need much later in my program! What we all have in common is that we come 'round these steps over and over as we practice them and make understanding and new habits a part of our lives.

A significant celestial event has just accompanied us into a new year: a blue moon. Last night the full moon repeated itself in our night sky for the second time in December!

For a few more hours of daylight today... I have a new beginning. The first day in my 2010 program year is beginning. I launch Step One again as a tool for living a serene life.

May this year be the best one yet!

Celebrating Milestones

A day of quiet reflection gives me time to acknowledge one particular day of accomplishments that I did not get to share before now.

Two weeks ago, I was anticipating my son's last day of school before Winter Break. This day is traditionally celebrated by the fifth graders with a mid-year banquet and daytime school dance. I was afraid of the social part of this event, myself.

(Last December, the days before Winter break were fraught with guilt at unmet expectations. Was it so for my mother as well, to feel inadequate to show up in a public way when I was in elementary school?)

I am happy today to look back and feel largely happy with who I showed up to be at my son's banquet. Why? Because for once I had had a light hand on myself in the kind of "situation that used to baffle me". Instead of applying my will and insisting I "should" show up visibly, I chose to do things I like to do to help out that were more behind the scenes.

I like to cook--from scratch. So I planned on making a lasagna. I usually do things the labor-intensive way which demands credit, but for this project, I purchased a bottled sauce for the lasagna and bought grated cheese. I am also not great at decorating. So, I ordered the balloons two days ahead of time and figured I would find some other folks to help me pick them up and take credit for delivery.

Then I made conscious effort not to compare myself to the star moms who organize such events and who are happy social butterflies. I started my plan for success with a short list made the night before, showing only where I had to be and when. It really helped that I had a mental image of meeting up with three people that day that believe in me. Not including my HP :) I affirmed myself for being a behind-the-scenes gal.

I had had to reschedule my appointment with my psychiatrist for this final day of school too! The night before, I had worries because I thought the appointment had been for 10:45, but the message on my machine told me that we were scheduled for 9:45. That actually removed some of my apprehensions coordinating my plans around a lasagna drop off and balloon pick up.. and general angst about a focus on mental health issues in the midst of a final day of school. I asked my HP for guidance... then checked my cell phone's voice mail. I found that a friend had left a message two days before that I had not returned. She wanted to help with the banquet. I called her and when I mentioned the need for a balloon pick-up, she decided it would be a perfect way for her to start her day!

So I went to bed with peace in my heart and a solid Plan A. Three other important activities did not yet have a definite location in my next day's plan. One important part of my daily plan is exercise. I did not have that exercise slot confirmed when I went to bed. Nor did I have a clear picture of what I would do for teacher gifts... And I had to make a revision on an article by the end of the next day too. Still had an expert to locate for that! I practiced letting go of my apprehensions, and allowing my HP to help me address them when the time came.

I got up at 6:30 am to meditate. That really helped me to keep my usual sabotaging voice from getting the upper hand.

I practiced a new way of working on this big lasagna (which I had never made before), and cooked my noodles in two batches. I let myself really enjoy the process by laying out the noodles, flat, on a silicone mat that was lightly oiled. I lightly oiled the noodles, too, so that they would not stick to each other. I chose to follow my intuition and not have the school cafeteria cook the lasagna, but use my own oven to cook things.

I got the lasagna cooked just minutes before I head to go to my psychiatric appointment! In fact, I confirmed that I had the time correct, just as I put the lasagna in the oven! I was on-time to the appointment and handled myself with exemplary confidence, filling the doctor in on medication and family issues without a trace of anxiety.

When I left the doctor, I still had hopes of getting much needed exercise, but only had time to pick up the balloons. I was pleasantly surprised to find I was early to the complex where the balloons are sold. On the way, I had already made a plan to pop in and buy gift cards at a nearby bookstore for the teacher's gift. I had plenty of time to do that.... and then I popped in at another store where the bathroom was easy access. It was there that I lost my top button to my pants, just as I was pulling up my pants! As I was wearing no belt, this would have been a minor disaster to remind me of other faux pas I experienced in school. I did not allow my Inner Critic to tell me it was the end of the world, or a sign of something bad, or a judgment of me. Instead, I approached a clerk (and I hadn't even been a customer on this visit!). I asked if they had a belt, thinking I would be a customer. No belts at this store, but she got me set with some strange foile and I went back into the bathroom to tie myself up!

Even with my belt fiasco, I just a minute late to meet my friend (and often I am late to everything!) for our balloon pickup. All 60 balloons fit into her van, too, which freed me up to go home, get lasagna and get into more comfortable pants!

After changing my pants and before gathering up the lasagnas in a safe transport set up,

I arrived at school with my lasagna. Found out I had chosen the right number of balloon clusters to fit on each table in the lunchroom, and got to see that the event was coming off nicely. And once I kept my commitments I did not allow my guilty voice to tell me I should do more (I said a gracious NO to staying longer at school, to seeing my son at his banquet. I did not "should" myself (too much!) about how a really cool parent WOULD have stayed to see their child have a good time. I most wanted to get some exercise in, take care of myself with loving exercise... but did not feel comfortable saying this!

And, I had volunteered to do cleanup but I asked folks, am I really needed? They reassured me they did not. The only indecisiveness remaining was inside of me... As I admitted to myself that I really did not want to go and come back to the school to volunteer (I felt I had done enough already...) suddenly I knew my window for getting exercise might open up if I left ASAP! I broke away with urgency about getting exercise, but telling folks about my article that needed to be done!

I did have the chance at home, to make contact with the perfect expert for my article. But that took just short minutes. Before I left home, my expert sent me a confirming email that would be just what I needed to make the minor revision to my article. I could leave the house in clear conscience! And I had the gift cards inserted into a Christmas card for each teacher.

I got in my swim! It felt lovely doing laps and watching my anxiety leave my psyche.... There was this bit of residual guilt that I held onto, because part of me still had not let go of the hope of keeping my initial commitment to return to school in time to help clean up after the banquet. I let myself enjoy the water to its fullest. Then I headed back to school (early) to get my son, my lasagna pans, and to drop off the cards for his teachers.

The entire day was a series of successes that were all about self-acceptance! Most importantly, basic self-acceptance allowed me to refrain from overplanning my day. This allowed me to do a dynamic balance of preparation and spontaneity, which reflected who I really am. Being authentic is a gift I received from allowing my HP more rein in my life.

In Momma's Kitchen

Zena woke late the morning after the police came and took her momma away. It was her dad's voice that woke her. She jumped from her bed to see who he was talking to. When she poked her head outside her door, she saw her dad sitting on the overstuffed sofa, talking into the black phone. "I won't be in today," he said. "My wife has taken ill. I am not sure how long she will be gone. No I don't have a babysitter, yet."

Zena had never had a babysitter. What might a babysitter be like, she wondered. Maybe she would be nicer than her mom. Then again, maybe a babysitter could also get mad and get very confusing. Better not to think about that. Maybe her dad would not go to work ever again, and stay home with her instead. That would be nice. Dad was quiet and liked to tell silly jokes.

Zena climbed up beside her dad, her feet straight out in front of her. "Uh-huh. Right. I should be in tomorrow," her dad finished. He hung up the phone. So much for that idea.

Zena wiggled her feet, and wrinkled her nose. "I'm hungry. What is for breakfast, Dad?" she asked. "Can we have toast and bacon?'

"Eggs, kiddo, got to have eggs too. " Dad said. He motioned to her to follow him to the kitchen. "Know where the eggs are, Zena?"

"I know how to find the cereal," she offered. "Mommy said it was OK to make cereal for myself."

"She did, did she?" said Dad. "One day Zena you'll be making other things for yourself. I am not good at cooking, but I can give it a try. Want to see what trouble we can get into?"

"In momma's kitchen?" asked Zena in surprise.

"Yessirree," said Dad. "It is all ours for today and for every day until your mom comes home."