Anxiety and Meditation

Anxiety is something I am definitely powerless over. If I can observe my anxiety, I am less likely to get doubled back in that crazy place of worrying that I have it.

Today I could see how I added to it by what I said to myself. I heard myself say, "I can't stand this!" "Why won't it go away?" "What am I supposed to do with it?" "Should I have a glass of wine?"

I told myself, take action, use your body. And went for a 20-minute ride in my neighborhood. That took the edge off, made me feel the cool of the winter air, smell the out of doors, got me to make cheerful enough faces at people I passed.

I came home, let my husband finish dinner and meditated in the living room. Oh my negative mind wanted to go over everything I had not yet done. It wanted to solve problems I had no business solving (my drunk friend comes to mind). It wanted to tell me I really wasn't going to amount to anything in this lifetime if I couldn't stop feeling worthless. It wanted to go what-ifing on me. I wanted to jump up and do something productive instead. But then I knew if I went in to take care of dinner preparation I would only get down on myself all over again. Only this time, for not completing my Meditation.

Instead, I said, "Hmmm. Negative Mind working hard at nothing." As I listened to the chanting on my CD I decided to sing along and see what happened. With that sound rumbling in my chest, suddenly there was no room for my mind to worry and ruminate. I was in the moment. The singing in my belly created "no-thought". Ah but the peace passed as my mind got busy judging again. Then, once again, I was in the moment. Ah, I felt bliss. I realized that was the by-product of not thinking, and then I was thinking again! And so forth. But slowly I saw I was breathing and getting in between thoughts. And each time there was no thought, I was free to be. In and out of watching my mind THEN getting side-tracked by it.

Once I had meditated like this for fifteen minutes, most imperfectly perfect, I allowed myself the small glass of wine with dinner. Dinner helped change my perspective, tasting, chewing, swallowing a creamy broccoli soup. Breaking bread and relaxing with my son and husband. In and out of conversation, spooning, chewing, swallowing.

I'll do that again tomorrow...or maybe in the tub tonight before I go to bed. Meditation. It helped my sidestep, then my recognize my negative mind. Helped me see beyond the problems of the day, to feel who I really am.

Looking back I see that when I sat, I was just listening for the voiceless peace of the self-love that comes from my Higher Power. Meditation for me, just for today, is being Love.