Zena versus the Psychiatric Diagnosis

This is a share that I wrote for my recovery group. I wrote it on the day I finally challenged my psychiatrist's model of my "illness", and would not take "no" for an answer. Over the intervening years he had "allowed" me a more optimistic diagnosis of "manic-depression". I still felt I was not being fully honest when I allowed him this analysis of my case. And, I was more than tired of him thinking (each time I came in hoping to reduce or eliminate medications) that I had showed up "manic" that day.

It seems helpful to revisit my words, written on a Valentine's Day appointment in 2007. I have forgotten to celebrate my second anniversary of being free of a daily regimen of psychiatric medications. This is a significant milestone, given that it was I who led the way out of my own jungle.

"Today I made the breakthrough with my psychiatrist that I had hoped, and can see a view to a life beyond these woods.
Dr. S. has finally listened to MY whole story of my case. I heard myself finally take credit for the fact that I was a scientist, with training (and practice, prior to motherhood) in an area of the natural sciences that admits it is multi-variable. Once I shared that, I felt comfortable listing each of the variables I had identified as being implicated in my "relapses".

For the first time I gave myself credit for the medicine free life I had had for over 11 years, prior to my recurrence in 2003. My doctor had chosen to ignore this, and once even told me that the positive effect of medications might last as much as 12 years after ending pharmaceutical treatments!

Today, even with my anxiety about being misperceived, I was able to be complete and tell my story clearly. I used my fifteen minutes to articulate my hunches that my first relapse was hormonally related and had every bit to do with being a mom of a nursing toddler. Nursing takes a lot of fat nutrients, that the brain (of both mom and child) needs for good health. In hindsight, I knew I was not supplementing sufficiently to accommodate sensitivities that have shown themselves in other endocrine systems, such as are involved with skin problems like eczema. I have always treated my eczema with omega 3's when my skin flairs up. I never supplement between times. When I had my illness recur in 2003, my eczema flared up, for th first time in years, right on the heels of the hospitalization. Finally I see how my vulnerability to eczema fits. Perhaps my eczema has always reflected dietary deficiency.....

My doctor agreed telling me, "You know your body best." At last. A breakthrough for an area of medicine that most certainly does not trust patients perspectives. Maybe having my husband as witness while I quietly led the way... helped me break free.

After the appointment, my husband and I were driving away and on our way to lunch. My husband turned to me and said spontaneously, "I can see exactly why a person would get anxious in that office, especially with only 15 minutes to work with." Wow. To hear those words, said without my needing to ask. For once, I saw that my anxiety had always been a natural response, given the uneven power balance between a psychiatrist and his or her patient.

It made me aware that it could be very easy for my doctor to misread my anxiety too! In the past, when I had come to my appointments alone and without an outside witness, this same doc had seen my anxiety (fast speech in using the quarter hour effectively) as mania. I looked at my watch and moved on, realizing the importance of not being derailed from the purpose I had brought to my visit. But still my doc had to have the last word, "You look manic to ME." It was so bizarre. Even my husband told me my doctor was out to lunch, when I called him after the appointment. Another time, he wanted to raise medications that I thought were giving me side effects (I had feelings of drunkenness... even euphoria). He hadn't listened to me! I KNEW I was having issues with a medication (that I later identified independently, using my own good judgment). When my eyes flashed at his dismissing me, after I had made a special appointment to address my problen, he insisted on this smiling (and arrogant) comment, "Anger is a sign of mania." That's the day I decided he would never get away with getting the best of me, because I would bring my dispassionate "better half" to my next appointment. The next time I challenged the good doc, my husband would be there.

Thanks to the commitment I made to myself, I can be at peace, knowing I did good.

I can throw out a good bit of my medications now.

Having a repository of all the medicines I have used only reminds me over and over of where I have been, and the shame of being held back by someone else's inaccurate assessment of me. It is one thing to remember my past, and quite another to use it as evidence against myself. In my case, that is too great an opportunity to self-bludgeon or re-experience resentment towards the medical model. Time to toss everything out that Dr. S did not put on today's script It is time to have greater confidence and faith and trust that if I need any of them ever again, I will be able to make that possible, through my new respected position of equality. Perhaps I can relax now and become a gentle giant."