crazy daughter refuses to fight back

My mom often implies that I am crazy.

Or tells me that I haven't grown up.

Today, I know that in our phone conversations I am the adult. The only person home, who has a compassionate perspective for myself.

And so, when I am told belittling things about myself I am less reactive. A person with BPD is a dry drunk, really. In Al-anon, they tell you how fruitless it is to take a drunk seriously when they have negative things to sling your direction. Especially when those negative things are about YOU, and you are a person in their intimate circle.

Hurt people hurt people.

I have stopped allowing myself to be hurt by her so much, and so I have less reason to hurt her "back."

So she needs to project her unhealed story onto me. Do I really need to take that seriously any more?

The ideal would be for me to say, "When you speak to me like that mom, there is an emotional response I feel that tells me it is time to go. I am going to go, now, because what you are saying is not only untrue, but it is hurtful."

But I can only say that if I am relaxed and not reactive. I can only say that whole two sentences if she is listening.

These days, all I can do is put her on speakerphone so her voice is not inside my head. When I leave the phone upright on the cutting board in the kitchen where I am working, she can speak her peace to the air and I can go about cutting and preparing food, which is more creative and peaceful.

I can pray, say my serenity prayer, sing a song... and she can realize suddenly that her words are not the only thing that have my attention. And this is good. This creates the tiniest room for a change in behavior.