Therapeutic Double Bind

I've been eager to begin sharing my experiences learning about the Inner Critic.

Only recently, have I discovered the (final) linchpin that resulted in my emotional illness--an unexamined and unquestioned Inner Critic...

Bibliotherapy was again at work, in my local library. I went looking for Wayne Dyer, instead I found Hal and Sidra Stone.

The book that found me, the first week my son was back in school, was "Embracing Your Inner Critic, Turning Self-Criticism into a Creative Asset."

This is not a new book, but it puts words to an experience that used to mystify me. In reading about the Inner Critic, I realized that mine was largely derived from my mom, who only ever judges others and never looks within. I realized her pathology is a Judge gone wild, that I internalized and overdeveloped into an Inner Critic that is not discernment but a voice designed to keep me from growing into an actualize adult. Sound familiar?

At this point, I am seeing my job as not being to rid myself of the Inner Critic, but to observe it and learn about myself through it. I also have the sincere desire to help it become a strength, by doing what I do in my job as a parent. I catch my son doing things right, so he can help himself learn any new skill, starting from trial and error. I see it as my quiet job in parenting myself, to catching that Inner Critic doing things right. Well, first, just observing it at work and seeing what can be harnessed for good. For the Inner Critic, more than any child, is very sensitive to criticism.

The truly interesting thing is this: the Inner Critic was developed by each of us in order to protect us as kids. It is the voice inside us that we developed, in order not to get caught doing things "wrong".

One of the the things I do as a writer, is to interview people and write down what they say. After I recognized my mom was never going to get well and be the mom I wanted in the world, I decided that I would at least use our phone conversations as material for story. Well, I did that the very first conversation with her, in which she shared that she wanted to send me a wig to cover up my gray hair. That was my first humor piece!

In the past six months, I've put my mom on speaker phone in order to distance myself from her belittling commentary, which has come on hard and fast, now that I don't play her games as much or try to make things normal any more.

After reading this book, I see that I can use even our bad conversations to learn more about my Inner Critic.

I hope I have the chance soon, but suspect I may have given my parents too much homework, even as I don't expect either of them to change.

Just before Father's Day, I pointedly asked my dad (who I only get to talk to once or twice a year)... if he can do anything at his end to make communication possible between me and him. Then after having one too many one-on-one's with my mom, and seeing a resurgence in the old pattern of abuse at my expense, I sent my mom and dad the letter in which I casually identified my mom's aggressive meanness. Somehow I also fit in my usual "looking for the good..." But it was lost on my mom... Both conversations upset the family apple cart. Lots of over-ripe apples!

After her last "hang up", I decided to let her know that she likely would have a hard time getting ahold of me. I sent my mom a postcard saying I would be unavailable until after school started.

In my mom's eyes, I am not supposed to have communications on my terms--with healthy boundaries. Maybe that is why my mom has not called.... in over three weeks. Interestingly I find I have peace of mind, in this wordless space between us.

Or is it because, in spite of it all, I have been eager for her call ever since school started. I have my pen and paper handy.

Oh well, either way I win. If she calls, I get a new chance to learn about the Inner Critic that learned its role at her knee. If she leaves me in peace, I get to learn about being kinder to me. This is called a therapeutic double-bind.