Accepting vs persevering

Accepting the things I cannot change. It begins by recognizing when I cannot change something or someone.

Others might tell me that I am getting the same old thing from my mom, and should give up. But even when the embers seem dead, something breaths life into my fire to persevere and be the daughter I want to be. And to hope that God's blessing will provide fuel for the right size campfire, for my mom and I to tell stories around. I've had those moments with mom. That I persevere in answering phone calls from mom (when it feels healthy to do so), shows you that intermittent reinforcement really does work!

On the positive side, the work with mom helps me to see where I need to do my homework in other areas. Showing up to carry a conversation frequently gives me a new growing edge. Or sheds light on some bad thinking in another area of my life, that needs discernment and change.

Right now, nada and our communication is just another problem in the gnarl of my depression/anxiety. This too shall pass.

BUT. Lately, very lately, I am seeing that I am in a no-win situation with nada. It may be that NO amount of perseverance will help, and in fact, my perseverance may prevent nada from growing. A reasonable person could actually throw in the proverbial towel. One day I may be that reasonable person.

My perseverance was possible because I made long breaks between communications with nada, and allowed myself to play with different tools and concepts between "assignments". I even find that practicing my thoughts out loud helped me. I never use the words I say, but saying them aloud often allows me to improvise with confidence in the line of "fire" with mom.

These days I am too depressed and emotionally exhausted to show up and improvise with mom. HP, are you making me rest long enough so I can show up differently with mom-like people?

I sure hope so.

Loving Zena.