is it you or me that has the problem here?

One of my ways of coping with my mom has always been do do mini-improvisational sessions with myself.. in anticipation of future conversations with her.

Like "What if she says, X?" "Well, what if I were to say, Y!"

I know now that because I am seeing her system's poison more clearly and carefully unplugging from it, that my nada's using all her arsenal to try to get me to behave in the old way, and fight for intimacy.

But I do not want to be intimate with someone who can give a quick one-two sucker punch and then morph into a Sherman tank!

I am changing and I don't have any particular interest in becoming a war tool myself. If I stay simple and small and plain it really does not matter what she chooses to dish out. Just have to open my mouth and let a gentle but firm spirit speak out simply.

But back to preparation and improvisation. Just for today, I have a few universal, one-size-fits-all statements. Like "Which one of us has the problem here? The one who is pointing out a fault, or the one who has it?"

Even more simply, and great lead-in: "Who is at fault?"

One day I want to say this when some negative condemnation of me or others comes up and it is from the past....that is long gone, unchangeable: "Wow, you have a pretty big job there, mom." She'll go, "What?" and be temporarily derailed. And from that she will be actually listening and I might just say whatever comes up spontaneously.

For now I imagine answering with, "Yes, you are either doing a phD in nuclear family history, or you are busy finding fault with everyone but yourself. That is a huge job, because you are just one person and I am not going to help you with this project."

I can hear her now, going off like a firecracker!

To which I can say simply. "At my ripe old age I have learned one thing about myself, mom. Know what it is?"

If she is listening still I can then say, quietly, " I am conflict avoidant. So I have to go, until we can both discuss this without taking digs at each other. You with me on that?"

And if she is not, then I have to say something on this order: "Sounds like we have conflict then. I really got to go, because when I work I need a lot of peace in order to be creative and focused. Take it easy!"