listing all the problems without getting tar all over my hands!

There have been times in the past where it helped to list all of my problems. And I could ask, is there anything more and know the list would end.


I will trust today that when I start this list of negative coincidences (that conspire to knock me off balance) that I will find an end to it!


Alas, because I was so ready to be involved in my community (as a writer who writes on more than one theme of interest, as a parent advisory board member, as a friend and volunteer at school, as well as a person on a committee that is looking at solid waste issues in a series of spring meetings, myy fingers in too many pies. Hard to know where to focus.

Ah then Mother's Day and the fact this is baseball season for my son. Should be fun, but I am just too preoccupied. Then there my son's piano recital, school ending in less than two weeks, And the games add to the chaos in scheduling that always takes place this time of year.



First there was my mom accusing me of gossip last month (early April) , when my husband was away. I personalize her attacks on me, far too much. Accusing me of being a gossip was so out of line!

Then, that same week there was a person new to my support system (of which I have been a part for some years, through thick and thin) who felt so much like a person with borderline personality disorder that I freaked out and wanted him gone. (He may have "only" been a narcissist. Bad enough!)

To top it off, that week there was the synchronicity of a threatened tornado on Good Friday, a very meaningful time in our family where a damaging event occurred in my childhood, for which I was blame.

The following Monday, my son was home sick two days as the spring weather of the Southeast gave us a blast of summer weather that always takes us by surprise. Complete with pollen, so that even when he was getting better he could not go outside. And I could not open windows to let in the 80 degree sunshine. Crazy making!

Interestingly, I lost my routine and my sleep, not the week my dear husband was away but the let-down week. So frustrating! Sleep is very big for me in maintaining sanity. I had a flare-up one of those afternoons that was inhospitable to be outside. My therapist encouraged me to wave the white flag of surrender and go back to taking my medicines, so that I would get the sleep needed for perspective on my life. Especially my life as a mom.

But another piece while I was suffering from fear of my illness recurring, and managing sleep, I had made a commitment to a friend to show up and have lunch the last weekend her husband was in town. A. goes to serve in Afghanistan in June, and will be gone a year. He is going through training in the midwest now. I was afraid of not being able to show up and be "upbeat" for him! I was not sure what was expected of me and my family. To show up for this friend meant that we did not show up for our school's annual spring fling. I am never sure of my priorities. Or that I am doing the right thing. To show up for this friend was a big feeling of obligation for me. Our lives really don't have a lot in common, but for the fact that we have mental health issues in our family and children. But she lives across town, is not a continuous part of my network of friends, because our boys are five years apart in age!

I did meet up with my lady friend and her family in a public place, and was glad I did. But it was not an easy thing for me to do. I was confused and I was not sure whose need I was meeting.

Monday, I met up with the doctor, reviewed the medicines, and he gave me great perspective on the gossip issue my mother had brought up.

(My hands are shaking right now, because my mom just called me to start to tell me her rotten perspective on the time when I was eighteen, and vulnerable! At times like this, I have to stop answering the phone! Writing this, for clarity is a lot more important!)

But Monday was also my parent advisory board meeting, and I am supposed to become an officer next year. A leader. Problem is I don't know what I am leading, and whether parents really have any real input into our school district's decision.

I came away cautiously optimistic about taking the helm in August when the new school year starts, and I stayed up too late that Monday night.

This set me up for another crisis, as I realized I might need to step away from this responsibility. And the uncertainties ahead, with our children being shifted now to their neighborhood schools (to reduce the transportation budget), and personnel layoffs
due to budget cuts.

Now, the following weekend, (the 24th) I am dealing with the fact that my friend whose husband is going to Iraq, asks me if I am interested in meeting up at Chuck-E-Cheeses (hate the place, ought to have said no) so that HER boy can have something to look forward to! Should have said no, but was afraid this was help being offered from my HP. Well, maybe it was, but I didn't accept it graciously. And my son really didn't want to go to Chuck E Cheeses, though he went willingly enough. Whose need was being met? After all these outings, my husband asks if we can go out to eat. Almost said yes, and then realized I'd had too much stimulation already. All this coping was driving me nuts. The boys go to pick a movie, and what do they pick? The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Yikes, for someone who is already overstimulated. I tried to watch it after dinner, but then had to escape. Almost like passive-aggressive, but I knew the boys couldn't take care of me, or understand. So I comforted myself and zoned out on the bed.

Next day, we find out in church, that several people in our community died. We don't learn details until my husband fills me in on a phone call he'd received the day before about a professor who was "at large" "involved in a shooting." Turns out, by later the same day the news has gone national, CNN. The professor killed his wife, and two others involved in our community theater. By Monday I finally know that one of the surviving children was in class at school with my son. Sat next to her, in fact.

Two good friends of mine, have daughters in high school drama class. Their teacher is best friends with the slain wife. The ripple has grown and I am trying not to rock too hard in its wake. I attend The Miracle Worker performance, last Friday night. The high school students' performance is absolutely real in its execution of the Helen Keller story. I am moved, because these students came through for their teacher in a time of crisis.

It felt over the top already and all around and through this time the swine flu issue is also airing on the radio.
Well, my husband's research has touched on the pathogens in swine manure. He does research in this area.

Gee are those enough coincidences?

Mother's Day. And the first anniversary of my friend Maia's death on May 20th.

And the fact that my husband will miss the last week of school (the same week of Maia's anniversary) and scheduling that week is up to me.

Meanwhile I am living life one day at a time, and wondering when I can have a larger perspective ever again!